Sometimes whispers of worry creep into my mind, pushing me to investigate things that likely do not need to be investigated. I give in, overcome by endless worst case scenarios, but am left feeling absolutely wrecked. Not because my worst fears were confirmed, but because I fail at controlling my insecurity, anxiety, and trust issues. Which causes a completely different cycle of anxiety and fear — that eventually he’ll grow tired of my inability to let go, that he’ll get sick of reassuring me, he’ll become annoyed with having to try and prove to me that everything is okay. Not only do I fail at meeting his needs, but when my anxiety takes over like this I can only imagine that he feels that he doesn’t meet my needs either.
My head feels light…and the world spins around me as I try to turn this illogical disorder called anxiety into something rational. I wish I could understand it better so that I could explain it better, then maybe I could get rid of it. I hate what it does to me and my relationships. I hate that I likely embarrassed myself and him. I definitely despise how regardless of how completely in love with him I am, the anxiety successfully infiltrates with whispers of “what if” or “who is that” or “you’re not good enough, of course he’ll stray”
It’s not you, my love. It is my occasional, anxiety and depression induced, inability to believe that you could possibly love me as much as you do. This dark shadow within my mind tries to convince me that it’s a lie, that I’m not worthy of such adoration, that surely I’m being played–I just need to prove it. I am sorry I fell for the trap and looked for a reason.