Three thousand two hundred eighty-five

Three thousand two hundred eighty-five 
nights ago you changed my life.
You took something from me
that never belonged to you.
Three thousand two hundred eighty-five
nights ago you went from being
a friend to a criminal.
I will never forgive you.
I will never forget the fear I felt
three thousand two hundred eighty-five
nights ago.
The darkness; not just outside my window
but behind my eyes as
I feigned sleep.
I sensed you closing in on me.
My skin crawled as you
touched my back.
Three thousand two hundred eighty-five
nights ago you ignored
the tears in my eyes, the pleading
in my voice.
Three thousand two hundred eighty-five
nights ago I watched from outside myself
your eyes turn cold as you pinned me down
and violently and unforgivingly
raped me.
You took everything from me
three thousand two hundred eighty-five
nights ago;
my peace, my comfort.
You ripped away my safety, trust and sanity.
But I’ve fought to get it all back
each of those
three thousand two hundred eighty-five
days since.

©Amy Lee Peine 2012

I wrote that exactly five years ago, on the nine year passing of when Chris sexually assaulted me.

It’s been fourteen years. I’ve come a long way. Next month will be 21 years since Adam raped me. They both still hurt. They both linger. But still I push on. I have used the pain they inflicted upon me as a reason to try and ease other survivors’ pain. The abuse I suffered at their hands pushed me into the embrace of some of the strongest, most empowering women I’ve ever known–survivors and advocates alike.

I think today, instead of reliving the horror and terror, I’m going to treat myself. I think that Kajia and I should do something artsy, or maybe get a pedicure. I’ve earned at least that. Maybe even some frozen yogurt, or a trip to Crafts Direct. Something that will say to me, “You are amazing. You have survived for so long, and have come so far, and have impacted so many people. You are beautiful, and loved. You are worthy of great things, and should never settle for less than you deserve.”

 

Through my journey I’d often get stuck at the point where I could accept the things I’d gone through, but believed that’s all I’d ever be. I’m so glad I’ve moved on from that and realized that the trauma I endured, while instrumental in who I have become, is not who I am. I am so much more than that, but I wear that badge with nothing but pride and honor.

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